Hey, I'm your oven mitt. I see that dish you're about to put in the oven - what are you calling it again? Zucchini chicken nugget smash delight? Yeah that one. I highly recommend skipping it. I know a cooking disaster when I see one. But you do what you want, what do I know? I'm just an oven mitt with a lifetime of cooking experience.
Just know that I tried. Your dish is currently on fire and completely non-edible. This is probably for the best. But again what do I know I'm just an oven mitt.
Updated: Jan 16
RECIPE: Standard waffles
COOK TIME: 1.5 hours
NEEDED: - A cellphone - Tina's number 555-5555
I'm so happy you stumbled upon my famous waffle recipe to follow today! Before we start cooking, make sure check out my intro story. The cook time is set at 1.5 hours because it may take this much time to tell this story and then we can start cooking! You may ask "do I need to read this story to cook the waffles?" Yes, very much so, that is what makes them my *famous* waffles! Every great recipe begins with a great story!
The first time I made waffles was the year 2004. What a great year! I was just learning what a waffle was, and the Red Sox were in the World Series! I remember mixing the batter for the first time while watching Tim Wakefield come out on the pitcher's mound. I even had a little joke with myself "hey batter, batter" as I mixed the waffles and watched the game. All the greats were on the team - David Ortiz, Johnny Damon, Jason Varitek! WOW what a team I'm just thinking about it again now. Johnny Damon that's a name I haven't heard in forever.
This team broke the curse of the Red Sox! You see how this recipe ties in with this story now? If there's any team that did it it was the 2004 Red Sox team. I mean, how can you argue with that? My friend Tina would argue the 2007 team was better. Call her up and tell her 2004 was the best, her number is 555-5555. She never listens to me. I mean look at the stats it's a given. Did you call her?
Remember when Damon hit a home run in the first inning?! 86 years and this team broke the curse. If there was a moment closest to god this was it. And then before I could even gain my composure the sportscasters announced "AND THE RED SOX WIN THE GAME!" I dropped the batter of out shock while calling my friend Tina to share the news. I never actually made the waffles, I just wanted to use this space to talk about the Red Sox and have someone call Tina to tell her I'm right.
Updated: Nov 20, 2022
Did you just hastily volunteer to be the one to give a Thanksgiving toast before eating? Don't sweat, here is a professionally prepared speech written for people like you by a professional copywriter. Please read aloud and follow instructions in parenthesis.
Wow, it's so great to be here today [look around room and wave]. If you guys don't know me, hi, I'm the person who just volunteered to give a toast.
Let's start out with thinking about what thanks mean? Please sit amongst yourselves and discuss for 15 seconds - I'll time it. [pause for 15 seconds] That was great.
Um...hmm...I've actually never done a Thanksgiving toast before.
Oh I know! How about that Thanksgiving Day football! Go NFL! [pause for cheers] and let's give a huge cheer to Barbara for the stellar mashed potatoes! The real MVP! [fingers crossed there's a Barbara in the room]
Is this too wordy? Am I rambling?
Boy this is embarrassing...Now I'm kinda nervous. Fun fact about me is that I'm a Scorpio and my favorite chip is the potato chip. My first job was at a donut shop and I have a really long resume. If anyone knows someone who is hiring a copywriter please let the person giving this speech know. They have my contact info. Oops I think I just blew up your spot.
The person reading this definitely wrote this toast. To wrap it up, I hereby bless these mashed potatoes [pick up a ladle of gravy and pour onto potatoes].
Happy Thanksgiving! [take a bow and hand out my info below thanks!]
